“Make it a rule of life never to regret and never to look back. Regret is an appalling waste of energy; you can’t build on it; it’s only good for wallowing in.” -- Katherine Mansfield
From: Cle S. Estrera
January 9, 2005
Hello! Everyone,
Here is the subject of this message:
If you’re like me which of course you’re not, as the late Dr. Paradela was fond of saying, you must have done many things that you’ve regretted, or you have missed doing lots of things you ended up regretting. You regret for what you did and for what you didn’t. Just the thought of the things you’ve regretted makes you feel like the acid is boring a hole in your stomach.
I used to have many regrets in my life and I sometimes spent my time brooding about them. They gave me shame and embarrassment, creating self-blame and self-pity, making me feel like a stupid fool as though I had the power to prevent certain things from happening and I chose not to use it. If there is one thing about regrets that you may consider as good, it is that they make you eager to tell your tales of woe to whoever listens to you. After the stock market crash few years ago, I’ve heard many tales of woe about their losses from many individuals full of regrets. I must admit that I had shared my own tales too.
The problem with regrets is that you keep your sight backward, for your life is tied to the past, and it’s almost impossible to venture forth while facing backward. You see the mistakes you’ve made in a new light and it hurts, making you regret what you’ve done or haven’t done. It takes honest self-evaluation and self-acceptance, not rationalization, to understand that what has happened is one of the pains of change, and thus a part of growth and development. Therefore, you should not turn away from growth by refusing to tolerate the pain of honest hindsight. Otherwise you get stuck in your review neurosis by constantly reliving past errors in judgment that would only repeatedly hurt you in the present moment. After all, you cannot undo what has been done. Can you?
Regret is an inescapable part of life. For every choice we make, we give up a host of other options, leaving us open to feelings of regret. Obviously, we cannot turn back the clock to make another choice when our first choice has led to something we don’t want. We cannot excuse ourselves for our past actions, but we can assess them more realistically to see our successes rather than our failures, our achievements rather than our limitations. We cannot change the past, but we can begin again. We can refocus our energy from the pain of the past to the rebirth of the present and the promise of the future. We can learn from the past but we should not live there.
Regrets deepen the wounds of our losses, and make us think of the worst that would ruin our ability to make positive decisions. As a result, we avoid making decision for fear of making a bad decision that we would only regret later on. Regrets can drag us down and make us feel more and more ashamed of ourselves, withdrawn, depressed, alienated, or frustrated. The painful memory makes us feel done in. Francis Durivage wrote: “They teach us to remember; why do not they teach us to forget? There is not a man living who has not, some time in his life, admitted that memory was as much of a curse as a blessing.” Indeed the art of forgetting can be essential to the art of living.
Life is dynamic – an incredible flow of energy that has a strong determined current. Like a river, it constantly flows, its currents forming new patterns based on change. You have to learn to travel on the river of life and go wherever its flow takes you. You remain motionless when its water is calm; you race along when its waters rush; you make twists and turns when the water forges its path. When you resist the current, you are likely to drown. Why struggle for your demise? Why not simply surrender to the water and enjoy every splash you make?
But when you live your life of regrets, holding on to the past – grief, losses, or disappointments – you’re not able to flow with the river. Instead, you either watch the river go by or fight wherever the river wants to take you. Your regrets keep you from enjoying your travels down the river. You’ll have a hard time moving on to live in the only place you can – the present. A Chinese adage says: “Flowing water does not decay.” When you go with the flow, you move. When you don’t, you stagnate. Growth ceases in stagnation. When growth stops, death starts.
It reminds me of Dr. Murray Banks, a professor I have read about who has a way of blending psychology and mental health with entertainment. He tells a story of two little boys who were playing in the surf one day. Along came a huge wave that suddenly toppled both of them. One little boy regained his footing and ran back to the beach to his mother, crying and begging to go home, regretting playing in the surf. The other little boy scrambled to his feet, took a deep breath, laughed and raced back into the surf. One learned to see the ocean as an enemy that would do the same thing time and time again with the same result; the other enjoyed the unexpected event and was ready and willing to experience the next one.
Well, my friends, I have enjoyed coordinating our fundraising for our CIM project especially that it is ending up with an unexpected outcome, at least unexpected to me. Having grown accustomed to falling way below the goals being set when it comes to fundraising, I was ready for the worst outcome and thus nothing could have created big enough waves to knock me down. It’s hard to sell intangible items that are way out of the human basic needs; they rarely create a real sense of trust. Without the sense of trust, it’s almost impossible to encourage and promote compassion and generosity. But the outcome of our project has turned out to be a whole lot better than my previous experiences. As I told you before, I would be happy if we could raise just half of our goal, and we have almost two-third of that goal. I’m ready for the next one if there is any.
For what it’s worth, to those of you who have contributed, I believe I owe you not just gratitude but an apology. I’m sorry to have underestimated your generosity and cooperation especially those of you who have contributed more than was requested for. Even if I’ve never taken this fundraising personally, I feel lucky and blessed to have your cooperation. It has kept me from feeling abandoned. It’s great and reassuring to have the feeling of having been able to promote a sense of trust in our organization.
To those of you who missed our fundraising for our Class 1972 CIM project, I’m sorry if I was not clear enough with our organization’s goals with regards to this project. I know that I haven’t done more regular updates and thus I haven’t reminded you more often, considering that in your busy life, your priorities are scheduled, and the least of your priorities like our CIM project if it ever became one of your priorities, is easily put aside, procrastinated and often forgotten. I’ll do a better job next time.
Lastly, I am aware that there are at least few of you in our Class 1972 who, as individual CIM alumni, are generously contributing to CIM in the form of scholarship foundation or other charitable projects, and thus understandably do not feel like contributing anymore to our Class 1972 project. But most of us of the Class 1972 have considered our class organization as an organization of friendship, and so some of us like Abe, Rori, Leni, Pompei and I were hoping that you would extend your generosity to our Class 1972 project in the name of friendly cooperation. You cannot blame us for our innocent but legitimate hope, can you?
You all have a pleasant Sunday afternoon.
Cle
Below is a good story sent to me via e-mail by a friend.
If you are like me, there are some things you may feel you do pretty well, and others that you would not admit to having done even at gunpoint! I do play guitar adequately and I can make a memorable enchilada dish. I also enjoy working with people and I seem to have made it a lifelong project to learn how to become a better listener.
I never thought of myself as one who has any great talent, but like each of us, I have certain skills and abilities. Let me tell you a story, however, passed down through jazz circles. It's a story about a man who had real talent.
This particular man played piano in a bar. He was a good piano player. People came out just to hear him and his trio play. But one night, a patron wanted them to sing a particular song. The trio declined. But the customer was persistent. He told the bartender, "I'm tired of listening to the piano. I want that guy to sing!"
The bartender shouted across the room to the piano player, "Hey buddy! If you want to get paid, sing the song. The patrons are asking you to sing!"
So he did. He sang a song. A jazz piano player who had not sung much in public, sang a song that changed his career. For nobody had ever heard Sweet Lorraine sung the way it was sung that night by Nat King Cole!
He had talent he was sitting on! He may have lived the rest of his life playing in a jazz trio in clubs and bars, but because he had to sing, he went on to become one of the best-known entertainers in America.
You, too, have skills and abilities. You may not feel as if your "talent" is particularly great, but it may be better than you think! And with persistence, most skills can be improved. Besides, you may as well have no ability at all if you sit on whatever talent you possess!
Some people ask, "What ability do I have that is useful?"
Others ask, "How will I use the ability that I have?"
Steve Goodier
Author of "Joy Along The Way"