September 2002 Vol. 2 Issue 16	An Internet Newsletter publication of the American Society of CIM Alumni, Inc.

     None of us is perfect. But if we are caught in the myth of perfectionism, we see our mistakes, weaknesses and other imperfections as glaring and horrible reminders that we are not as we should be; that we have problems and that we ourselves are problems. Our imperfections are not the problems, but our attitude toward them could be. If our attitude toward them is negative, it becomes a fertile ground for self-hate, self-criticism and being negative and critical of others. The negative feelings from mistakes and imperfections would build up inside and hurt us. They would swell and surge and wear away the heart. They would ultimately eat, erode and ruin our health, as we become unhappy. When we are unhappy, we are likely to make others unhappy too. If we could not relieve ourselves from tensions, we would end up with hypertension. With the passing of time, like bacon, we turn rancid. We don't grow; we age.

Changing our behavior
     There are self-defeating behaviors that got stuck on many of us like fleas on dogs, and they itch. To reduce this emotional itching, one has got to take a journey, a journey to break old patterns of behavior and exorcise old ways of reacting to events in order to behave in gentler, kinder and loving ways. The first thing to do is learn to recognize and separate what is within your power to change and what is beyond your power to change. And one thing that is within your power to change is your attitude that in turn would change your behavior. You can't change the past, but you can begin again. Now let's take that journey together.

     Our behavior comes from our attitude, our attitude comes from our feeling, and our feeling comes from our thought. But the ultimate sources of all of them are our beliefs. Our beliefs often determine our thoughts or our ways of thinking. Beliefs lead to rules, feelings make you obey them, and that's what lead to behavior. If you believe in the spare-the-rod-and-spoil-the-child discipline, you are likely to beat up your children. So every now and then, you've got to examine your beliefs and once you recognize that behavior is the end product of beliefs and feelings, some of your self-defeating and unpleasant behaviors would start to make sense. But to examine your beliefs, you need to exercise your thinking and reasoning.

    We have always been taught and told to control our feelings like anger as if it's something that can be done without a basic understanding. We cannot control our feelings because they are automatic responses to our thoughts. Our mind is like a computer. Once you hit Enter, you cannot cancel until after it gives off its response. When you hit the wrong key, you will automatically get the wrong message. So when we get angry, our anger comes so fast and furious. And once it starts, there seems to be no stopping. We say words and take actions we often regret. Just imagine how many unnecessary family arguments and fights in particular could have been averted if only we were able to control our anger and keep our mouth shut? Unfortunately, when the heart is wounded, it leaves a scar that would readily open up when another argument or fight occurs. Our reaction would become even more vicious, if not violent with the subsequent recurrences of fights and arguments. Anger, however, is a part of what makes us human. It belongs to us but it always means that something needs to change.

Understanding the Physiology of Feelings
     In physiology, we were taught that there is a gap between the application of a stimulus and the onset of response. This is the gap that we need to learn to exploit to try to identify the thought behind our feeling because for every feeling, there is a thought behind it. Once identified, we can change that thought and it would automatically change our feeling which in turn change our attitude and our behavior. But that gap tends to disappear if we ignore it and we keep having the same unpleasant reaction to the same unpleasant stimulus.

    Again, keep in mind that our thought or our way of thinking almost always depends on our belief. If we believe in abortion, our thinking will be toward justifying it, the same way as if we believe in pro life. Just consider how many people were driven by the feelings to kill because of the strong belief that a fetus should be allowed to grow and live, or that abortion is murder. And if you look back at human civilization, all because of religious beliefs, millions of people were killed more than the casualties of two world wars combined. That's why we need to examine our beliefs as often as we can if our feelings are destructive, and ask ourselves whether or not our beliefs are worth killing or dying for, or whether or not they are worth keeping us awake all night. Are they really worth fighting, arguing and suffering for? Are they worth sacrificing the harmonious relationship of the family? Are they worth breaking friendship? Or are our beliefs telling us that we should simply keep them to ourselves and respect others with their own even if their beliefs are a whole lot different than ours, understanding that others have as much right as we do to have their own beliefs no matter what they are?

    Now let's analyze a feeling. For example, you have the feeling of suspicion or skepticism of what I'm writing or have written in our newsletter. Let me reckon that many alumni members have probably not read our newsletter because of skepticism. One reason or thought could be this: Why should you believe me when you knew me as such and such? Why should you even waste your time reading our newsletter? After all, I was no more than an average medical student, not written anything in college, neither in medical school, let alone an editor of something. Now I am no more than an ordinary physician, no training in psychology or psychiatry. So as a result of such thought, your attitude toward our newsletter is apathy or you become oblivious to it as your behavior. Again, this is only an example.

     By the way, I never really dreamed I was ever destined to play even a minor role in our association, let alone publishing an association's Internet newsletter and writing an editor's column regularly. Anything I am and anything I may be in the future in relation to our association are nothing more than accidents. I was pushed and fell into it to begin with. Even at the bottom of the pit, one can always struggle to find a little bit of comfort, if not happiness. Or, one can do nothing, and obviously, the situation would remain the same, if not worsen, as one vegetates at the bottom of the pit. There are many great deeds done in small struggles of life. In my struggle against frustrations, I've found happiness in what I'm doing. I enjoy the challenge I decided to meet head on. It's like being able to look straight at an enemy's eyes, and not blink. In the movie The Count of Monte Cristo, Edmund Dantes said: "I don't think man was meant to attain happiness so easily. Happiness is like those palaces in fairy tales whose gates are guarded by dragons; we must fight in order to conquer it." So I fought, so I wrote, and so I'm still writing.

     Now suppose you change your thinking to: "Let me just start reading CIM Brain Waves. Our alumni association never had this kind of stuff before and it's been going on for almost a year. I maybe missing something." Obviously, your feeling would change toward becoming more interested or curious about our newsletter than you ever were. At least you would want to find out rather than just dismiss it as nonsense or not worth your time. You would want to read our newsletter, and perhaps analyze and think about what you read. You may either end up with fascination or with disillusion. At least your mind is used. You may not be convinced with the ideas, insights or information it provides or presents, but at least it would leave something in your mind to become the basis for future reference. One day there is a good chance that you may find yourself saying: "This is exactly what Brain Waves has been talking about." Or, "I'm glad I did not take the ideas in Brain Waves seriously. There were something funny about them." That is what is called thinking and learning on your own. An open mind tends to retain an idea until its time has come. It is that idea that would make us a little wiser.

Waves to Ride
     Skepticism is the dry rot of the intellect. It will not leave even a single idea in your mind, for the brain loses its power to retain ideas. Ideas would come and go like waves. You've got to keep your power to be able to ride the waves of Brain Waves. Even if you can justify your skepticism, you learn nothing. It is a garden of darkness.

    Human thought has no limit. At its risk and peril, it analyzes and dissects its own fascination. But in skepticism, there is no fascination and it has nothing to analyze and dissect. It only helps close the mind tightly. On the other hand, enthusiasm and curiosity loosen the hinges of our mind to widen its opening, soften our heart and calm and enlighten our soul. When the eyes in our mind open like a desert bloom in the dawn, we learn to peer through the dark curtain of skepticism that hides the secrets of learning. If you want to know and take full advantage of the secrets, then remove the curtain.

Conclusion
     So every time you have the feeling that is not pleasant or self-destructive like anger, doubt, worry, anxiety, fear, etc., stop, identify and examine the thought behind it, and then change it to a more pleasant or positive one. The more you do this, the wider the gap will become between the application of a stimulus and the onset of your response or reaction. By the way, for the benefit of non-medical readers, a stimulus referred here is anything that makes you respond or react with a feeling. For example, you receive a bouquet of beautiful roses from your boyfriend, lover or husband and you think it's a very thoughtful act and you love it. Obviously, you become happy. Being happy is your response to the stimulus that was the bouquet of roses.

     Another example is a word said that you think is an insult, and so you become upset. Suppose you think instead that it was not really meant to be an insult. Certainly, you would be a lot less upset or not upset at all. How many times did you feel angry or furious because you see someone you did not like talking to someone you know and laughing while looking at you? All because you thought that they are gossiping about you. Remember that you have complete control of your thought. You can think of whatever you want and change your thought whenever you want. It's all simply up to you. And it's none of anyone's business. So why choose to think of thoughts that make you feel bad? Why choose to think of thoughts that don't make you a bit wiser?

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